Velcro vs. My Hair

Like always there is never a dull moment in the office of the Camp Buehring Office.  Between our planking war and the steady exchange of demeaning, ridiculously hilarious e-cards we manage to laugh each day… of course it is usually at someone else’s expense.

You all know that I am the most accident prone person on the face of the earth but a certain female I know is close on my heels.  Nothing like getting a phone call as she starts frantically asking for an ice pack.  How about an ice pack because her clumsy ass decided to slam her face into the door jam.  No names.. no names.

Now to the Velcro… So last week we had to bring in our body armor to make sure it fits properly… hmmm.  So Mr. D has a vest which has a Velcro Police Patch on the front of it.  For some ungodly reason he enjoys tormenting me… much like my husband.  So he comes in to my office and  without much thought (of course men don’t think before they do something stupid) he hits me in the head with this police patch.  My hair is tightly braided completely around my head  and the Velcro is completely glued to my head.  I mean it is stuck!!! Glue would have been easier to remove.   So I am screaming as he tries to remove it from my hair and everyone is laughing so hard tears are starting to roll.  All I can think about is the bald spot they are going to leave when they finally remove this stupid thing from my head.  They try for about 10 mins then I take my  braid out and remove my hair one strand at a time until I finally get this thing out!!!! Seriously… what next!

Quote for the day:

May each of you allow happiness in your lives even if it is for a brief second, it may only take a smile over breakfast, a compliment when your day has been long, a phone call or text from a friend or telling someone you they're important.  Give someone happiness today!

The Heat is Rising

So an update from the hot and helpless:

Kuwait, Kuwait,Kuwait. How I hate thee! 5 months down and 4 months to go!

Groundhog day continues in the great desert of Kuwait. We have been keeping very busy over here as we constantly are being visited by people who want to check up on our work. Never a dull moment.  We have been entertaining each other by leaving funny e.cards on each other’s desks.  The love we share for each other is nicely translated by the following:

 

(provided to me from my favorite colleague Mr. Dale)

 

(provided to Ms. Washington from her domestic partner Mr. Dale)

 And for all the ladies who are tired of telling their men "I told you so"

Chaplin time:

First some background on the Chaplin. He is Korean and in his late 40’s I think. He was suckered into the Army at 40. English is his second language. He has been married for 20 years. He has been mostly in all male Combat Arms units. But he has got to be the funniest, nicest guy I have met in a long time.  If I was stationed with him, I would most certainly go to his sermon every week. And if you know me well. You know that I would not make that statement lightly. 

Anywho!  So a few weeks ago. Our Group Chaplin came from Germany and visited with us.  It was good to hear him speak about his experiences.  There always comes a time in all of our lives where we need words of encouragement to get our minds back on track. He provided this encouragement. 

A summary of his words:  Live a First Class Life. Strive for what you want. Surround yourself with first class people who provide love, happiness and encouragement. Too many people are content with a Second Class Life and like to attempt and bring down those of us who want a First Class Life. Life is too short to not set another goal or dream another dream. Don't let those who are content with less affect you. You control your happiness and destiny. There are no limitations.

He had plenty of great stories to share with us and it made for a good visit.  But we were fortunate to hang out with him again the next day down in Arifjan.  I enjoyed a full day hanging out with the Chaplin, Ms. M and Ms. Dez.  We laughed so hard with the chaplin that we nearly all needed some adult diapers.  Some of the key words which we taught him were as follows:

A Dime.. or Dime piece  (He says if you’re not a dime than you’re a nickel)

-If you ask him what his wife is he will tell you “a hundred dollar bill” (Smart man)

-Eye candy

-Friends with Benefits (no sir not the movie)

I am sure there was a few other interesting words which he used. He says these words will help him related to some of the other soldiers.  Needless to say he is very down to earth. We may have also convinced him to get a tattoo of his wife’s name on his body.  Not sure if this is legal for chaplains to do or not.  So anyway he begs the three ladies to take a picture with him. He calls us “Charlies Angels” with badges and guns. 

Hope everyone is ready for summer. Did I mention 4 more months left.

Overnight trip to AJ

Had to go down to Arifjan two weeks ago in order to teach an evidence class for our Task Force. No idea why I was teaching an evidence class since I have only been the Alternate Evidence Custodian but whatever. We had to spend the night down there because the class was going to be all day and the trip is a “2 hr” drive (not if I am driving).

The boss and I had been given the luxury to spending the night with the Task Force in their barracks.  Their barracks is one floor large building which is divided into maybe 10 individual rooms. There is partitions which separate the rooms and each room has bunk beds and wall lockers. Not much privacy at all.  We had a good evening a bunch of us sat out in the common area and played Gestures for a few hours. It was actually hilarious. A few of the most funny acts were “Deer” where LT tried to pull off the deer in the headlights role and she actually looked like a small rodent about to get run over by a 18 wheeler. LT acting out “manure” still the same deer in the headlights look but pretending to poop.. then  she picks it up….???  Finally there is Mr. T who is trying to demonstrate “beaver” he walks over to some cardboard and starts eating it….no idea what he was trying to portray…but he looked funny doing it.  Good times-good times. 

So I would have to say that the four of us from Buehring are spoiled in compared to the Soldiers of the Task Force. We have a small bathroom attached to our quarters. I decide that I am going to stop drinking any and all fluids after dinner so I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night and sleepwalk to the dark and smelly port o potties. Guess how many times this girl got up to pee…. At least 4 times… are you stinking kidding me. Really I have the bladder of a 60 year old… no offense intended. The next morning I have to walk to a community shower trailer to shower… no big deal right…used to be the place to go for me in Iraq, when i was looking for some laughs and gossip.  Nope! Not at All!  Went in there and was surrounded by a bunch of old bags who all looked like someone pissed in their Wheaties!  Heck I even saw a lady wearing a Moo-Moo! That was funny. 

I am standing at the sink brushing my teeth and a girl calls out from behind the stall “Could someone pass me some toilet paper” Well of course, our nice LT was courteous enough to help the young girl! The girl comes out and says “Heck they don’t put extra rolls of toilet paper in the stalls anymore…” and the old bag standing next to me says “Don’t know why you are worried about toilet paper, you are about to get in the shower anyway”  REALLY!!!! IS SHE SERIOUS? LOOK LADY YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE MIDDLE EAST WAY TOO LONG IF YOUR TELLING A SOLDIER TO NOT WORRY ABOUT WIPING HER BEHIND WITH TOILET PAPER AND JUST WASHING THE DINGLE BERRIES OFF WHEN SHE SHOWERS. THIS IS JUST A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF GROSS. 

I was so disgusted that I packed my things and left.  That comment is worse and more gross then my boss going into the males latrine and seeing a dude eating an ice cream cone as he peed at the urinal. What next people? What next?

Cultural Awareness

     Over the last few weeks an interpreter has been providing us with a little cultural awareness training. He has informed us that a Kuwaiti man can have up to 4 wives at one time… (Who the hell would want to do that? I mean seriously most men can handle the one wife or girlfriend that they got.)  The woman simply has to show some sort of interest. A man will never ask a woman to marry them. 

     I have also learned that a woman can not touch, smile, look or even be close to a Kuwaiti man… otherwise she is showing interest. (This goes for American women too!) Oh and don’t even laugh at their jokes; this simply means it’s a GO!  Of course this sounds absurd and no telling the truth behind such madness, but best advice would be steer clear ladies. 

     Ever since we have been talking to the interpreter, all the folks in our office have developed this voice which we use to talk like a Kuwaiti. The boss is the best.  So the other day we are sitting at the infamous chow table and Ms. W says “Has anyone noticed that our fake Kuwaiti accent, sounds like Italian?”, “It sounds like we are talking like Mario and Luigi off of the Super Mario Brothers”. (It actually did, which made it even more hilarious.)

Scarface 101

So I am sure you are all wondering how I busted my face open a few weeks ago… well I will keep you in suspense no longer! Honestly it was pure bad luck!  Some of you who know me know the following, 1. I am a klutz and 2. I have the weakest ankles ever! 

        Early 0400 Monday morning a few weeks ago I meet up with my gym partner and we start a normal “early” morning weight lifting. By the second exercise I am on a search for some 15lb dumbbells. You would think they would be on the rack which is so nicely labeled
“15”.  No of course not! I go on a search to the back of the gym where I know some are usually hiding. I find them, I go to bend down to get them and my ankle gives out on me. It happens so fast that I do not have even a split second to put my arms out in front of me to catch my fall. Instead I go face first into the weight rack, bouncing my face off of the 35lb dumbbells.  I bounce off the dumbbells and land on my pretty ass right on the floor. I have no idea what just happened but I do know my face hurts like hell!.  I quickly look around to see if anyone was witnessed to my demise. Nope coast is clear.  

        So I gather myself up off of the floor, grab my 15’s and head back over to where my partner is waiting.  You know me I “try” and pretend all is well but little did I know that my face was busted open and pouring out blood.  My partner asks me what happened and why am I bleeding… “Shit I have been had!” I quickly touch my pulsing cheek and realize he is right… blood everywhere.  So he hands me a napkin, I look in the mirror and realize I busted my cheek right under my left eye, wide open.  Needless to say, stitches were in order. 

        I drive myself over to the Troop Medical Clinic, which is closed. I call the on duty person and he comes over to access my injuries before calling the Doc.  He smiles and giggles at my miss fortune, which doesn’t hurt my feelings because the whole mess is hilarious. I sit there thinking about the shit my husband is going to give me. 3^rd deployment; 3^rd injury!  So he cleans me up and calls the doc in. Doctor Swool comes in and puts lots of numbing agent into my cheek and then 3 little stitches into my face.  They kick me out with some antibiotic ointment and no meds! Booooo!

So I am sticking to this story: I was apprehending a suspect, he got a little antsy, I took him down and sticking with this comment. “ You think my face looks bad, you should see the other guy”.

    In the mean time I have been called “Scarface” and offered bubble wrap which I can wrap myself in the next time I go to the gym.  And now everyone wants to make sure I am careful and not killing myself. Really its been three weeks… I am good people! Worse part of the whole ordeal was finding out that my little mishap was reported to the Task Force, to Safety and all the way to the Safety Center in Fort Rucker, AL. Really… it was three freaking stitches, not an international incident. 

   Now every time I go into the gym, to the exact location of the crime scene. I eyeball those 35 lb dumbbells. They get the stink eye from me. 

Getting into routines!

Deployment is significantly different from normal military life. That is no secret to any of you. One thing that I have realized over the 30 plus months I have been deployed is deployments are the perfect opportunity to start routines.  It may sound strange but the last time I was deployed to Iraq, after a long day of missions and Iraqi heat; all the ladies would take the walk together to go to the shower trailer.  We would all grab out shower caddies filled to the brim with soaps, shampoos, lotions and all the smell goods that reminded us of normal life and walk over to a cramped shower trailer for our evening gossip session.  You all know when ladies get together there is always gossip. So we would all be cramped into the shower trailer, talking through the shower curtains and trying to hurry to make sure the hot water lasted and to make sure the awful showers which didn’t drain properly wouldn’t rise up above our flip flops.  It seems silly but this was one routine I looked forward to every night so I could catch up with the girls… Ms. Grant-Astorga and Ms. Bell: Miss you ladies!

Working out has been a routine which I have been keeping up with pretty regularly. Not only do I enjoy working out every day but it allows me to start my day off stress free or it allows me to leave work and take out my stress on running or exercise.  It is a lot easier to develop this routine here while deployed because there are less distractions from everyday life.  There are less long days at work, unfortunately no husbands or children to come home to, no dogs, no rushing home to cook dinner, no laundry or tons of errands. Honestly being away from normal life occurrences makes me miss them. My roommate has been a great motivation. We are keeping each other motivated and push each other when it’s time to work out. This helps a lot with keeping to a routine.

I have been working out with her and a few other folks since I have been here.  A few days a week we do a workout called “300” Supposedly this workout was done by the actors in the movie. All these exercises are to be done one right after each other as quickly as possible. My record is 22 mins.

300:

25: Pullups

50: Pushups

50: Deadlifts

50: Box Jumps

50: Floor sweeper lifts (while laying on your back and holding a bench bar above your head you sweep your legs from side to side in a “v” motion)

25 each arm: Overhead Dumbell Press

25: Pull ups

Well the other day while I was completing a similar leg workout which includes box jumps, I took a nasty fall.  I had already done about 45 box jumps. Jumping up onto a 24” box, on number 44, I had reached some form of muscle failure and my left leg made it onto the box but my right did not!. My right leg slammed into the corner of the metal box and bruised my leg from my knee to my ankle.  I guess next time I will jump higher. It hurt so bad I had to stop and keep myself from vomiting. Other routines are less harmful.

 

I have also developed a love for online shopping and working in front of a computer most of the time doesn’t help with shopping on line. Imagine all the money I could be saving. Well I have been scoping out this electrolysis thingy for a while now it is called “Tria Beauty Next Generation At-Home Laser Hair Removal System” It is a small laser which will remove almost any hair you would like on your body after regular use (weekly for the first few months and then every two weeks). So I checked the reviews and not many negative things could be said about this product. So I couldn’t resist. I even convinced my roommate to get one too! So now I patiently wait for my Tria to come in the mail so I can start incorporating hair removal into my daily routine. It is hilarious to see myself getting excited about hair removal. I have already been here 70 days and I am losing my mind… hair removal excites me.  By the time I go home in 6 months or so… I hope to be have hairless armpits, arms and legs… at a minimum.  Hurry up and get here Tria.  LOL!